Musings

I realise not many people are reading my blogs and I am sure to most of you it's as boring as batshit but it helps me find a centre in my life by putting things down on "paper".  I am sure a diary would be more useful and less people will see it(well really no one but me) but that is as boring as hell and I have been there and done the whole diary thing and to be honest re reading my diaries from 15+ years ago depresses the hell out of me.

They weren't happy times in my life I was bullied through out my school years and this made life hell, actually it made life unbearable to the point I wanted to end it all.  And I tried numerous times to work up the courage to end it all with one real attempt.  A whole heap of panadol and a overnight stay in a mental health facility.  I look back on my diaries and see the pain and hurt and anger that I was and wonder how in the hell I am lucky enough to have ended up as I have.  Happy, Healthy a wonderful marriage with a loving husband and 3 beautiful children(who on occasion are feral like most children).  And I realise that it was hard bloody work.  You can't pick yourself up out of the black abyss by not doing the hard work, you have to realise that you are worth something and it takes a lot to convince yourself after being put down for so long that you are worth something.  You have to love yourself and I don't mean as in love yourself like you think your it and a bit.  I mean the true loving yourself being happy with who you are and how you are mentally, physically and emotionally.  And this takes work.  You have to find the real you the one you have hidden from yourself and the world for so long that you have forgotten who the hell that person is.

To pull back from the point of wanting to end it all is a hard struggle you find that there are days where you wonder why you failed, there are days where you wonder why you were left here why didn't it work.  Then all of a sudden things start making sense things start happening in your life where you start to see why you you didn't succeed in the attempt you made you are slowing clawing your way out of the black abyss that has dragged you down.  You finally start to realise that people do care and you are important and people would be sad if you left them, that people love you and it's ok to love yourself.

No one can take these hard steps for you, you have to take them yourself seeking help and asking people for help are NOT signs of weakness they are a sign that you have been strong for way to long and need a little help.  Everyone needs a little help now and then and it's nothing to be ashamed of.

For anyone reading this and is feeling suicidal please call (if in Australia or your relevent countries number please just google it)

http://www.lifeline.org.au/

or

http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?

These places are very good starting points on working your way out of the black abyss family and friends are another great port of call, Trust me there are people out there who care about you even if it's just me.